My closest and dearest friends know, I have chosen not to get vaccinated. At least not yet.
Many people’s reaction to hearing this was relatively calm and very supportive. There are, of course, some who were shocked and questioned my anti-vaccine rebelliousness. I have to inform them that I am not an anti-vaxer but a conscious observer of what, where, and how I receive information. While observing myself and the world around me, I realised how desperately we craved life to go back to normal. Suppose you were to ask me a year ago, I would admit that I, too, believed that the only way we can ever go back to life the way it was, was for scientists to produce an anti-virus vaccine as soon as possible. Well, the vaccination looked like the ticket to that. That was also during a time when I was nose deep in social media and watching the news – soaking in all the catastrophic information of death and chaos that was crashing in from every media source. In fear, I was very susceptible to the influence of the media and people who had access to a platform and a microphone—wearing white coats, donning a presidential title, or even a trillionaire software developer.
In my fear and my lack of liberty with the imposed rules of masks and lockdowns, I felt lost and confused like most. But unlike most, I had just a few months prior completed a meditation workshop by Dr. Joe Dispenza, and fresh from the workshop, I felt encouraged to dive deeper. Lockdown was hellish for many. As for me, I was going through some challenges in my relationships, working out homeschooling my kids, and struggling to find a solution to keep my yoga career afloat. Feeling defeated, I decided this may be an excellent time to practice my meditation. I would start my day with a meditation and end my session by setting an intention to improve my life.
Behind my bedroom, there is a little balcony. Then, if you were to walk by my home at about 5.30 am or 4 pm, you would probably find me sitting upright on my wooden chair with an eye mask and noise-cancelling headphones on, following my audio meditation for about 45mins sometimes an hour. I would be in a state of trying to “steal fire” ~ a phrase nicely described by Steven Kotler in his book of the very name. I would be sitting with a profoundly prominent vibration of energy that comes after coaxing my brain to go down a few brain waves. I felt like I was stealing fire. Once touched, I would sit with it for as long as I can. I can’t understand what transformation happens within my body because my issue isn’t physical. However, I know for sure my parasympathetic nervous system is in a state of rest and repair. But, all I can say was that the side effects after coming out of mediation were real. I started to see transformation happen in my life.
Old habits started to change, my relationship with myself improved – which paved the way for me to heal some relationships and others to let go. I ventured outdoors a whole lot more. If I did not feel balanced, I would gravitate myself out to nature. Slowly I started to embrace the unknown by not thinking much of the future and focusing more on getting to know my state of mind in the present moment. I realized I don’t need to rely on the news or social media to narrate my emotions for the day. I noticed myself being intuned to what was in front of me and finding gratitude in the simple things, like, for example, seeing a beautiful kingfisher perched on the same branch every day on my walks. I even started talking to insects and animals like the hornbills; I love seeing them crook their head to look at me as I spoke to them. Small serendipities that before I would brush off as pure coincidence are more frequent (or maybe I am just more aware of them happening). I found wholeness in simply sitting on a park bench with a cup of coffee. It was not like I hadn’t done these things before; it’s just that this time, it felt like a layer of skin got peeled away that now I can feel more present and engaging with life. I realised how much abundance I didn’t allow myself to receive based on the perceptions of my reality.
“We don’t see things as how they are – we see them as how we are.”
There is an energy out here that is trying its best to pull us away from this feeling of being present; some call it our ego, but I now try not to dwell on it and give it the energy it wants. To an unconscious person, it is easy to get sucked into scrolling through Instagram. To obsess over another’s accomplishments posted on social media. To be lured to the misery of the state of affairs on the news. To be succumbed by fear of death in the hands of murderers, terrorists, or even deadly viruses. As it draws on your unconscious attention (because where you place your attention is where you place your energy), it will slowly pull you down to low vibration energy. We live in this 3D realm where everything is vibrating in low frequencies, and hence why we are so susceptible to falling into this vibration of illusion (yes, I said it ~ illusion). But just like the chicken and egg – without experiencing a breakdown, we would not then choose to look up and shift our consciousness to a higher level.
Everyone has a choice, and how we exercise them is determined by the level of consciousness we choose to vibrate in. Shifting my awareness to not following the news, deleting Facebook, and unfollowing harmful self-image Instagram accounts has given me more energy to choose where I decide to tune my attention. I started to read more and listen to audiobooks while I go on long walks. I spend more time outdoors and on the grass. I am turning my attention to my own body rather than the opinions of other bodies. Every time I meditate, my tuning fork vibrates at a higher frequency. I become more present and patient. Choosing not to rush and follow any consensus of belief allows me time to attune to the world and people with higher awareness, seeing space in a new light. Making choices and exercising them with love and awareness and not through fear and suffering. Of course, this is hard as hell, and it’s never smooth sailing, but isn’t that what doing inner work is?
This pandemic and all its associated turmoil have taught me to feel. To cultivate safe spaces to be with my emotions and then allow myself access to go deeper. To grief, laugh, or find the in-between of extremes where I can be comfortable in my own emptiness, allowing myself just to Be.
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~ Lao Tzu
