One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
“Mend my life!” each voice cried.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with it’s stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough,
and a wild night, and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognised as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ The Journey by Mary Oliver
…the whole house began to tremble
When your whole being becomes unstable. When you have build a whole personality around your emotions; and that emotions are being called to question. The need to journey within is never a comfortable one. Our mind feels threatened and you will notice that it would do anything to deflect the spotlight off itself.
Our unconscious mind is often developed from events that initiated a negative emotion. The age, quantity and consistency plays a major part to the developmental of who we are beneath the surface.
….you feel the old tug at your ankles, you knew what you had to do
We spend so much of our life and energy running away from dealing with hard emotions of the past. Sometimes I wonder why that is. Is it our mind’s way of protecting itself? Or are we just terrified of the unknown? What would happen if we do face up to our past trauma? There is a great quote by RUMI ~ The world is rigged in your favour. We need to take a closer look at the things that is happening in the present – how do we react to it? Study your reactions. Analyse it. Many times our negative reactions to situations is the point where we aught to stop ourselves and wonder where did that reaction come from? Why did that just make me so angry? What was the past conditioning behind that response….? When react out of love, we are reacting out of a loving source. But, when we react violently or negatively to a situation, it is from a conditioning in the past that caused us to react instinctively. Remember that we are not our thoughts, but our thoughts are the old tugs at the ankles.
…though their melancholy was terrible
It will be deeply uncomfortable. As Mary Oliver writes;
…though the wind pried
with it’s stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
*some unconscious pain caused by deep violation can really be painful to revisit and I would encourage you to seek professional help to guide you safely through your healing.
To go back to and relive a painful past is never easy. Naturally your mind is telling your body that it’s in danger – your nervous system starts activating your flight or fight response. Emotions will start to bubble. It is in the uncomfortable – you put yourself in the arena but not to fight, but to feel. As you breathe into the pain, feel where it is in your physical body. Acknowledging it is to give it time to shine the light of consciousness, love, healing. That’s all it wants, to be acknowledged and to be loved and understood. Let the emotions come, and without force in it’s own time, allow it fall away on it’s own. Some people spend their whole life turning away from their emotions, allowing themselves to be distracted just to avoid getting into the arena of the past. Sometimes what’s standing in the way of us living our best lives is that we still, perhaps unintentionally, hold on to the past and not doing the work to allow ourselves to overcome.
…It was already late enough, a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones
This verse to me tells me that where the event happened, it already happened in the past. Yes, it was a wild night and the branches and stones that were once cast at you have already fallen. Little by little, the stormy clouds starts to clear along with the feelings of the past.
…the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds
Clarity comes from doing the work.
Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you ~ Isaiah 60:1
…a new voice which you slowly recognised as your own
...that kept you company, as you strode deeper and deeper, into the world.
The voice of consciousness, the voice of humility, the voice of gratitude. The voice of wholeness and oneness. That is the voice we will come to recognise as our own when the voice of hate, anger, jealousy, bitterness, doubt, lust goes further and further away… more quiet. It is the journey we are all taking, weather we are conscious of it or not.
